I am pleased to share this satirical guest post from Apratim Vidyarthi. He is a recent graduate from UC Berkeley’s class of 2015. During his time as a delegate he was a prominent leader, friend, and competitor on the North American World Division Circuit.
Not everyone is interested in the U.S. elections. In fact, not many people should be interested in the U.S. elections, given that they’re more than a year away. But because there’s nothing more interesting than speeches rife with incorrect facts (or none at all) and rhetorical flourishes, and because nothing perks our ears like another round of voting, here’s an introduction to the U.S. contenders for President, in MUN-speak.
The Republican Party
Donald Trump: That delegate. The loud guy that no one likes, who shouts over you in unmoderated caucuses. Directives are vague and have no details – his plan for Syria was “to deal with it”. Also he has tons of money, and likes talking about that during committee lunches. He might win best delegate, although no one wants him to – and if he does, you’ll lose your faith in Model UN.
Ben Carson: Trump’s puppet. Thinks he’s doing a lot but you know he’s not going to win anything. Will sign anything Trump writes. In the event terrorists storm committee, you know everyone will vote him to die first – and he might do it willingly.
Carly Fiorina: Only female in a committee of men. Pretty good at debating, but won’t win because her facts are as bad as her track record.
Jeb Bush: People on the circuit are friendly with his brother. But his reputation exceeds actual capabilities. You only remember him because of the small but devilish part he played in the 2000 election crisis (committee). Might win best because of his reputation, though everyone will call it a rigged jury. But if he loses, you’ll feel sorry that his brother overshadows him.
Marco Rubio: Random young upstart who’s in committee and might win just because of his age. Boyishly cute, though pretends he knows more about rap than he does, just to impress you.
Ted Cruz: You know he’s doing some crazy shenanigans in crisis, but that shouldn’t be enough to win him best. Scheming personality makes him unlikable to the entire committee. Likely to be the first person to oppose your directive should you disagree with his crazy ideas, and otherwise shut down committee until you agree. You’re not even sure what he’s doing in this committee, since he ISN’T FROM THIS COUNTRY.
John Kasich: Only guy who seems like he’s shooting for the honorable. Wants to be the diplomat, but needs to talk more.
Rand Paul: The weirdo in committee: he has strange ideas that no one in this committee would support, let alone sign a directive on. People thought he was good, but he’s not. Oh well, at least he’s eye candy for the ladies in the room.
Chris Christie: Was a good delegate at a local Model UN conference, where he was vengeful in crisis. Outclassed in the big leagues. Rude to the chair, and denies hugging members of the other committee.
Mike Huckabee: Random old guy who’s apparently still going to college. Startles people by saying random racist things. Says he plays in a band back at home, but he’s probably so terrible Nickelback wouldn’t take him.
Lindsey Graham: Token Southern delegate. Women fawn over his accent – and he’s apparently single. Not much else to go on, though.
Bobby Jindal: Only Indian in the committee, and is also bad at debate. Not possible.
George Pataki, Jim Gilmore, Rick Santorum: Random kids who don’t speak during committee. Will sign your directive, though! You won’t remember their names after conference but they’ll add you on Facebook anyway.
Rick Perry: Showed up only on the first day. Wore his smart guy glasses, reminisced about “back when he was a good delegate.” Unable to finish speeches, and terrible at writing lists. Oops!
Scott Walker: Showed up only on the first day. Head delegate probably thinks he’s a good delegate. He’s not.
The Democratic Party
Hillary Clinton: clear favorite. Almost outclasses everyone in committee. People will say she won because she’s a woman, but she’s clearly done her research. But you know she’s playing you in the backroom and you really hate her for that. Oh, she also has a great significant other who’s sharing his experience with her.
Bernie Sanders: nice guy, but will spend like 15 minutes of the 20 minute unmoderated caucus trying to convince you to sign his directive. Might end up shouting at you. Didn’t iron his clothes either. Minimal variety in his speeches. Could win, but crisis game is extraordinarily weak.
Martin O’Malley: HOT. Does everything Hillary does, just one session later. Seems like he’s shooting for an honorable mention.
Jim Webb: Complains about not getting called on enough in feedback sessions. But when he gets called on, he spends his time complaining about not getting called on enough.
Lincoln Chafee: You’re not sure why he’s here – he was in the Republican committee last session! He agrees with the committee’s leaders on all the issues, sometimes repeating what they say, but refuses to sign other’s directives because “it’s against my policy”. It’s not, and you know it’s not. He just wants to be a primary sponsor, but is too inarticulate to say that. Don’t be mean to him though! He’s a nice guy.
Joe Biden: Cool guy who you’re not sure will show up to committee. If he does, he’s going to be all smiles and charm – probably walking in wearing aviators and eating ice cream from a cone, and that might win him best. After all, he’s friends with the current chair. Also, scares Hillary.
What do you think of the satirical list? How would you have described the politicians as delegates?